My Turn 2 Titus 2

There is a neighboring church that has a fantastic Titus 2 ministry.  Every so often I get the privilege of being invited to speak on a specific topic.  This is from August 18, 2016 'Teens to Adult Children'.

When Nancy asked me to do this a few months ago, I couldn't, but as I thought about this topic, I thought of how I would go.
When she asked me to do it again, months later, and it was the same topic, I've figured out that y'all just save the hard topics for me!

I have 8 children, 4 adults, 4 of them teenagers in our home now.  It's a huge spectrum to cover so I got it down to about three hours.

So this isn't scripture, it's just what we've learned and concluded.  And I welcome any further dialog and insight!

It's hard for me to skip those 0-12 years, as that is the time to train, mold and shape young ones into the adults you believe God wants them to be.  In my opinion, 0 to 12 years of age is all about teaching, training, disciplining and discipling.

It's a season of sowing!  And even in the parable of the sower we don't know what kind of ground our sowing will land on. It's so important to give this season your all so that when you're done with it, you don't look back with regret or wished that you had given more! This is vital to having peace when children are adults.

Now if you've missed this opportunity, thankfully we serve a God of second chances!  3rd and 6th
chances! I would sit your kids down and explain, "We've  got some catching up to do, things are
gonna change around here! We are going to be doing things Gods way from here on out."  And then give it your all! And I mean start running this race like an Olympian coming up from behind!

Church - you have to be in church! Your kids have to see how important Jesus is to you, for your words to have any weight of how important you want Jesus to be to them! When we are on vacation, we go to church! If a back hurts, it can hurt at church. We tell our kids, "if you haven't thrown up, you must not be sick, we're going to church!" "If you just threw up, you must feel better, we're going to church!" Ha! I'm just kidding! We're not that bad!  But church is really important!

Children more attention pay to what you do than what you say!

It's an exhausting season, but so worth it!  The book of Matthew says that at age 12 it was time for Jesus to be about his Father's business.

So I think ages  .12-18 in our culture and society, is all about practice. I hear myself say things like, "Why am I reminding you to do what you know you're supposed to do?"

They're not lacking information but... Since my insight, advice, wisdom and instruction is free, I tend to give it generously!

I'm still pouring truth into their lives! Confirming truths. We are growing in wisdom and knowledge of the Lord together! Sharpening our iron.

So hopefully the 'why' of all the training and discipline of past years is starting to make sense!

I'm exposing sin, not protecting them from it. Allowing them to taste the law of reaping and sowing in amoral decisions and actions. So I'm not sending him on a date with a prostitute and telling him to
be wise, but our home is a safe place to fail and promotes learning, discussion, and wisdom. Lots of discussion!  Usually late at night sitting on the kitchen counters.

Confirming or challenging their faith. Not assuming.  Not confusing their ability to conform with actually being transformed.

Living, growing and examining our faith.

But the constant thread from the time they're born through all these years into adulthood is love! God given love. Love that covers a multitude of sin!  A love that is unselfish, unbreakable, always and forever kind of love. A love that is similar and exemplifies that of our Father in heaven.

So that's the easy part, right?

Ha! These kids grow up!  They make decisions all on their own!  They even have their own opinion of what truth is!  And their standards may very well end up different than my standards. After all, their experience of life is much different than mine. But as adults, their relationship with God is their responsibility from this point forward, not mine!

When they reach adults, my mothering years are done! (Swipe of hands!) I still am and forever will be mom, but mothering is truly a part time job.

For our adult children, we have the arrangement that if it's not sin, it's your world. You have the
freedom to live and do life however you want.

But if it's sin, according to God, not my own standards mind you, and I'd better be able to point to chapter and verse in the proper context, I do have a responsibility before God to address them whether you are my child or not!

2 Timothy 4:2 (ESV)
preach the word; be ready in season and out of season; reprove, rebuke, and exhort, with complete patience and teaching.

Sin is going to come up in all of us. We're not sinners because we sin, we sin because we're sinners!

So if it's sin, we have a responsibility to God to step in and say  "Hey, what's going on?"   Just as if
Jeff and I decided it would be a good idea to move to Salt Lake City and add three sister wives, I would hope somebody would say "Hey, I think that's a bad idea!"

We need other people to speak truth into our lives! I pray for other people to speak truth into my children's lives!

So there is sin...and then there are all these other issues that God didn't define as "sin"!  So I won't either!  Eat junk, shower once a month?  Let the law of sowing and reaping take over.

I have found one main theme through our lives to be a problem.  One main theme that scars relationships with our in-laws, relatives, and adult children, and friends.

One word that I have witnessed in my life and as a pastor's wife to cause great harm.

Any guesses?

Control. Controlling. Controlled.

Trying to take control over another person is to assume the place of God. It's a dangerous trap!  And one that we are extremely susceptible to.

Core issues - I'm not talking about these core, inner circle truths that are non-negotiable. That Jesus was born of a virgin, lived a sinless life, and died a cruel death on the cross. A death so brutal that
there isn't a sin man can create that it wouldn't cover! He rose from the grave to show His power to overcome death, and ascended into heaven to show us He is the way, truth, and life, no man comes to heaven except through Jesus! These are truths that you would die for! Non-negotiable!

2nd tier truths that Christians have argued over forever. Issues that have biblical support, but I'm not dying over them. Baptism, 5 points, pre/post tribulation.  (I'm more of a pan-tribe and believe it's going to pan out in the end! ;0)

3rd tier - then there is this outer circle of issues that God's Word is silent on. Areas that He gives us personal, complete control over what to decide.  With the responsibility to seek His Word, and wise counsel, but there is truly no right or wrong way.  For example:
How to school our children, home/private/public/, home/hospital birth, immunize, medicine/oils, organic/Cheetos?  The list is endless!  (But I must say, I do love Cheetos!)

Now I'm not talking about controlling what goes on in your own home, that is our God given responsibility!  I'm talking about assuming our choices are what's best for anyone else, simply because they are our choices. When God's Word is completely silent on the subject.

Making our standards higher than Gods standards is dangerous territory and will cause huge problems in any relationship.

It stems from the sin of pride that thinks that my way of doing something is better than any of yours!

The Bible says that pride is the source of all contention. And it's pride, really, that makes us think we deserve control.

My favorite preacher, who just happens to be my husband, consistently says, "We need to be conforming ourselves to Jesus Christ not conforming others to be like us."

We often make the mistake of believing our will for them must be their highest good.  Yet God simply says, why don't you trust "Johnny" to me?

Can God truly be trusted?  If you have to think about that, I would encourage you to get to know God better!

How do we give up trying to arrange everything in our families life or circumstances and trust God?

By working on our own relationship with God. Letting the fruits of the Spirit overflow from our own lives. Because a controlling person is truly lacking the fruits of the Spirit. Which are...love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.

We give up control by asking ourselves: why am I imposing my way on them? Is it truly sin I'm
correcting or my preference?  Am I helping or hurting?

Dish soap -hit me like a 2x4.  So my daughter gets married and we all head to her house for dinner. Excitement is high, and we have a great time of fun, food, and fellowship! As we go to clean up, I realize that she isn't using the dish soap that I have always used!  And I've put a lot of thought into my dish soap!   I know that's so pathetic!  Actually, I'm far more pathetic than that, but this is what I'm willing to share!

I didn't say anything, but I'm concerned why I would even think about it.  So my next trip to the grocery store, to my remaining children's amusement, I buy every kind of dish soap there is.  I try
them all, and realize that I still like mine the best, but I no longer care what other brand anyone else uses!

Months later, after they've all been tried, I say to her out of the blue, 'Ya know, I no longer care what dish soap you use,'   And we shared a good laugh!

Control doesn't bring desired results. It brings bondage, destruction, and emotions like anger fear and shame.

Disappointment and guilt can cause us to try to seize control of the situation. We convince ourselves that if God will not do it then it's up to us!

However, when we do that, we believe the lie that God is not faithful! That He can't be trusted!  And
that alone puts us on the opposite side of God! (James 1)

When circumstances are out of my control or when people are doing things I don't like, do I sense something rising up inside, wanting to take hold of the situation and force it come out right?

Do I show disapproval or disappointment by the look on my face? Where there's no words needed.

When things aren't going my way what is my first emotional response? Fear? The sense of shame? Guilt? Embarrassment, like I'm the only one with problems?

If you justify "control" by, "but I meant well!"  There's no such thing. It will always be unfruitful to try to control or conform someone else to be like you.

Do you want liberation from fear, worry, and insecurity? Only by trusting Christ can you transform your world to joy and peace!

You shouldn't have faith and confidence in you, but you should only have faith and confidence in Christ!

My own personal stories of controllers.  (childbirth, parenting, homeschooling)
Does she really know what's best for me? Or does God?
Is anything more spiritual in the end result? Who can judge how spiritual an experience is? Pride oozes out everywhere, doesn't it?

One isn't necessarily better than the other, we just think it is because it's the choice we made.  We want support and approval, but even that's wrong, prideful thinking!

The more determined, aggressive and dogmatic we become, in insisting in our way, the more people around us retreat. Scatter!

The same way the Holy Spirit doesn't completely control us, He gives us plenty of room to sin! He guides, protects, convicts, but allows the law of reaping and sowing to do its job!

Eve controlled and took the lead of sin, then controlled her husband to follow.  Husbands will recoil from being controlled, and it will destroy marriages.

Sarah controlled Hagar - can you imagine those conversations? Manipulation at its best.

With much nagging, Delilah prodded Sampson day after day until he was tired to death.  In a similar way, nagging, can strip away spiritually and emotionally the inner strength and identity of anyone.

What's the cure?
Christ! He wants to help us recognize the prisons we have built and come to the One who has the key to freedom.
Repentance.  Turn from sin.
Renewing your mind. Only by Gods Word!
Letting go. Stop it! 😊
Vulnerability. Allowing those around you to hold you accountable, to help you build people up to Christ,  not bring them down to our human level.

As I like to pray Scripture, I remind myself to stop leaning on my own understanding of circumstances and people, to turn from seeking my own way, to quiet my anxious spirit and to listen for God's plan (Proverbs 3:5-6)

Control is an outgrowth of fear, insecurity and lack of self esteem.  Anxiety and depression are rampant and stem from lack of control. Medication can cover but Christ is the cure!

There are grave consequences to such, because it drives people away! The fruits of a controller are loneliness, bitterness, frustration, anxiety, pain, broken relationships and overwhelming guilt and shame.

Then when control becomes unchecked she becomes an intimidator.  An intimidator is to inspire fear, it's like a simmering pot always ready to boil over. If even slightly provoked produces a flash of anger as a warning signal. People learn to tell to not upset her and retreat. Everyone learns to walk on eggshells, to carefully avoid her full potential!

Truth is always negative at first. So I urged you to hang in there.  The Holy Spirit is both a cleansing fire and gentle teacher.  We know that only by the grace of God can we hope for change.


You also may need to go to someone and ask for forgiveness. Tell them that you are returning authority back to them!  Or confirm to an adult child that you're here for them, but trusting them to God, and giving them complete authority over their lives and relationship with Christ! The stress that comes when we attempt to be in control of relationships will ultimately rob us of the joy of life.

We can become free of that stress, when we release our control to God and begin to live in freedom from fear, giving total control to Jesus Christ!


The Control Trap by Barbara Sullivan and Boundaries by Henry Cloud are excellent books!  And sources along with Pastor Matt Chandler.


I pray we let the adults in our lives have the freedom of their wisdom and experience. Will they fail? Some times. Will they grow and learn from it? That's God's purpose and design. Should God still be the one to have complete control? Absolutely! Let us point them to Christ, not ourselves!